Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
