We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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