Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize