a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
