I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
