Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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