I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
