there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
