last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
