I met the friendliest cop last night
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
