I got chris browned last night
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
