the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
