Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Randomize
