i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.