U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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