I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
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Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
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It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize