Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
