i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
