Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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