Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
