I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
