How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
