LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
