Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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