Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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