This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
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Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
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Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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