I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
