I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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