I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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