party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I understand Curling. That high.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
