EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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