There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
