Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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