found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
