Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
