i would punch a child for taco bell
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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