god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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