LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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