i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
