My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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