my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
