she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
