non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
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I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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