I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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