I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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