i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
