My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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