It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
