I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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