I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
