i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
