my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
