I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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