living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
