i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
